and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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