I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
