1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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