dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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