I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
