Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
