My cat gives me a boner
you didnt know i had herpes?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
