someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize