Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
