airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
