Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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