It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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