I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
