so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
