The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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