I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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