I must be too annoying 4 u.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
