i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
