Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
