It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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