Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
