she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Im part way to drunk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
