Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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