In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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