you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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