it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize