Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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