Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
