Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
