I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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