I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
