my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
