If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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