you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
