Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my being single is dangerous.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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