I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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