I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There r osticjed everywhere
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
