The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
