fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
