wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
