I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
