My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
