my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize