Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
