Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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