I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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