Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
