We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
