What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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