i already hear my dad disowning me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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