when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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