I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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