Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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