matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
