fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
