now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
