Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize