her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
you never un-have a 4some
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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