i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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